Martha's Story: the Terrors of Childhood
Posted: Saturday, March 29, 2008
by James P Krehbiel
Krehbiel Counseling
Childhood can be a nightmare. It is an act of grace that many of us fare as well as we do considering our family history. We may feel that we were born into the wrong family. Had we been born into the family next door, things might have gone more smoothly.
I once had an alcoholic patient who had been sober for several years. I saw Martha with her boyfriend for couples counseling. Early in our sessions, I got the impression that she was avoiding addressing childhood feelings. She would minimize her family history and refocus our attention on current relationship issues.
Martha felt lonely because her partner worked long hours and appeared to be consumed by his work. He would come home late at night and there never seemed to be moments filled with togetherness. I met with Martha's mate individually, encouraging him to demonstrate more care and concern through kind gestures and affection.
Martha was supposed to be seeing me for individual sessions as well. These appointments were broken for a variety of so-called legitimate reasons. Finally, Martha kept her scheduled appointment and visited me one afternoon. Through tears (which I had never seen before), she laid out her story about how she had relapsed by using tranquilizers and cold remedies to get buzzed. She had justified the self-medicating like most alcoholics do, by claiming that at least it was not wine, beer or hard liquor. She was consumed with shame and disappointment.
When Martha's boyfriend found out that she was self-medicating again, he ranted and called her nasty names. His anger served to ramp-up the volume of Martha's self-deprecating behavior, keeping the addiction cycle alive. Although Martha's partner attended meetings for partners of alcoholics, he continued to come unglued with her.
I was concerned about the triggers which caused Martha to relapse. Martha's mother had come to visit her prior to our session. Her relationship with her mother was described by Martha as cordial. After further exploration, Martha told me that she felt like a little kid in her mother's presence. This discovery led me to explore her family history to find out why Martha felt the need to sabotage her progress with sobriety. Her mother's visit had brought to the spotlight core childhood issues.
Her mother was an alcoholic. At an early age, Martha recalls carrying her mother to the bedroom after her mother would fall because of bouts of drunkenness. To complicate matters, Martha's father suffered from Bipolar Disorder and tried to mask the symptoms through the use of marijuana. Her father would frequently lash out at family members with physical and verbal abuse. Martha recalled her father pushing her mother down a flight of stairs when she was a teenager.
Martha remembered being terrified to come home from school with an average grade on her report card. Her father would berate her if her grades were not up to his standards. She was a good student, who later attended college, but her father's expectations were always unattainable.
Martha's father divorced her mother and she was forced to live with him. She constantly sought ways to avoid spending time at home. Since Martha was a sensitive girl, she swallowed her parent's feelings and became numb as a means of coping. She was scared of her feelings and learned to keep them hidden.
Martha's adult relationship reflected the behavior of her parents - unavailable and hostile. Martha used self-punishment and self-medicating as a way of coping with the terrors of childhood. Since she had learned to deny her anger, she was unable to constructively direct it toward the source of her problems.
I began working with Martha on her childhood interpretations and her self-defeating coping strategies. It was important to break the addiction cycle of anxiety, self-blame and drug abuse by helping her experience the full impact of her childhood pain while finding new ways to manage her feelings, thoughts and behavior. Part of the process involved Martha pro-actively sharing with her partner her own needs and wants. When Martha first came to see me after her relapse, my first question to her was, "Who's punishing you for what?" Martha gradually learned that she was punishing herself for behaviors that occurred long ago, that were not her fault, but were left unresolved.
We cannot wish our childhood pain away by ignoring it. As adults, our emotional history will follow us, creating a pattern of self-defeating behavior. Eventually, we make a choice. Will we stay in an impasse, neglecting the ramifications of a childhood filled with terror? Or, will we choose to follow our emotional pain to its source and seek to find a way out? Those who commit to reinterpreting old childhood assumptions with a new psychic map will experience fulfillment and meaning during adulthood.
Note: This case is a composite drawn from my practice as a psychotherapist. It has been altered to protect the individual's right to confidentiality and privacy.
I once had an alcoholic patient who had been sober for several years. I saw Martha with her boyfriend for couples counseling. Early in our sessions, I got the impression that she was avoiding addressing childhood feelings. She would minimize her family history and refocus our attention on current relationship issues.
Martha was supposed to be seeing me for individual sessions as well. These appointments were broken for a variety of so-called legitimate reasons. Finally, Martha kept her scheduled appointment and visited me one afternoon. Through tears (which I had never seen before), she laid out her story about how she had relapsed by using tranquilizers and cold remedies to get buzzed. She had justified the self-medicating like most alcoholics do, by claiming that at least it was not wine, beer or hard liquor. She was consumed with shame and disappointment.
When Martha's boyfriend found out that she was self-medicating again, he ranted and called her nasty names. His anger served to ramp-up the volume of Martha's self-deprecating behavior, keeping the addiction cycle alive. Although Martha's partner attended meetings for partners of alcoholics, he continued to come unglued with her.
I was concerned about the triggers which caused Martha to relapse. Martha's mother had come to visit her prior to our session. Her relationship with her mother was described by Martha as cordial. After further exploration, Martha told me that she felt like a little kid in her mother's presence. This discovery led me to explore her family history to find out why Martha felt the need to sabotage her progress with sobriety. Her mother's visit had brought to the spotlight core childhood issues.
Her mother was an alcoholic. At an early age, Martha recalls carrying her mother to the bedroom after her mother would fall because of bouts of drunkenness. To complicate matters, Martha's father suffered from Bipolar Disorder and tried to mask the symptoms through the use of marijuana. Her father would frequently lash out at family members with physical and verbal abuse. Martha recalled her father pushing her mother down a flight of stairs when she was a teenager.
Martha remembered being terrified to come home from school with an average grade on her report card. Her father would berate her if her grades were not up to his standards. She was a good student, who later attended college, but her father's expectations were always unattainable.
Martha's father divorced her mother and she was forced to live with him. She constantly sought ways to avoid spending time at home. Since Martha was a sensitive girl, she swallowed her parent's feelings and became numb as a means of coping. She was scared of her feelings and learned to keep them hidden.
Martha's adult relationship reflected the behavior of her parents - unavailable and hostile. Martha used self-punishment and self-medicating as a way of coping with the terrors of childhood. Since she had learned to deny her anger, she was unable to constructively direct it toward the source of her problems.
I began working with Martha on her childhood interpretations and her self-defeating coping strategies. It was important to break the addiction cycle of anxiety, self-blame and drug abuse by helping her experience the full impact of her childhood pain while finding new ways to manage her feelings, thoughts and behavior. Part of the process involved Martha pro-actively sharing with her partner her own needs and wants. When Martha first came to see me after her relapse, my first question to her was, "Who's punishing you for what?" Martha gradually learned that she was punishing herself for behaviors that occurred long ago, that were not her fault, but were left unresolved.
We cannot wish our childhood pain away by ignoring it. As adults, our emotional history will follow us, creating a pattern of self-defeating behavior. Eventually, we make a choice. Will we stay in an impasse, neglecting the ramifications of a childhood filled with terror? Or, will we choose to follow our emotional pain to its source and seek to find a way out? Those who commit to reinterpreting old childhood assumptions with a new psychic map will experience fulfillment and meaning during adulthood.
Note: This case is a composite drawn from my practice as a psychotherapist. It has been altered to protect the individual's right to confidentiality and privacy.
This Article has been viewed 1,210 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
More commentsVery true James, particularly that last summary paragraph. I have found this myself. Putting the past in a box and throwing the box away doesn't quite work. Without realising it, negative behaviours arise that stem from those negative past experiences just as positive behaviours arise from positive experiences. They are not easy to identify, not for oneself. Hence the benefit for Martha of your counselling. I have found for myself, as time rolls on I am able to let go of the notion that I am 'fated to live this way' and instead recognise why certain situations repeat themselves and what part I might play in attracting or neglecting to avoid them. It is very much a case of throwing away the effects of early childhood 'conditioning' and learning new ways to behave. It's challenging and yet a great relief as I find I can change the future by changing myself. Great article.Leah, What an excellent summary of your own experience. Very well stated and I am glad that you have discovered the way out of the past. Thanks, you certainly got the essence of what I was trying to say. Be well.
Hey James, did you read my article, "How many psychiatrist does it take to change a lightbulb?" ( Just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change). One of my young clients told me that joke after I successufuly worked out this same kind of idea with him. Ultimately it is you who must decide how you are going to let things effect you and shape the rest of your life and although you can get help figuring out how to go about doing it, it is up to you and you alone to make the choice. I may not be as smart as you James, but I know exactly what you are talking about in this article, unlike your political piece that went totally over my head. You can use my joke if you want. You seem like one of a limited number of mental health professionals out there who still has a sense of humor...I mean you have admitted to liking my stuff, right? Oh my, that could actually mean my stuff is horrible and not funny at all! Please, please James, tell me a joke and show me your lighter side! lolMyla, How do you define a PARADOX? A couple of physicians! Hey, I tried. Not as good as you. I left working with a behavioral health clinic cause I couldn't stand the seriousness. Best move I ever made. Now I only have to deal with my own seriousness which is diminishing because of your funnies. Thanks for commenting. Peace.
James, I could relate to this article on many levels. Coming from a childhood so abusive that even my health professionals have been gob smacked, I finally learned to accept that it was 'them' who were wrong and not me; and that it is up to me to allow myself to have the life I want rather than let them take it away from me. It took a lifetime of ignoring my childhood, through a painful divorce and finally into therapy to start sorting things out. Even then, it took 8 years and I still have a way to go, but it no longer bothers me because I know I'm doing okay despite my childhood, and things can only get better as I sort it all out and acknowledge the pain, hurt and fear I couldn't afford to feel then. I don't like it, but it hurts whether I push it down or deal with it, so might as well deal with it and get to feel better and betterer! :) Thanks for another great article, Hannah
Hannah. Thank you for sharing your story! I am currently finishing a manuscript on this topic. You have eloqently stated the problem and solution. Take care.
I majored in Psychology in college. I found this article very interesting. I am new to this website and have not yet figured out how to add this author to my fan club. Thanks.Paul, Thanks for reading my article. For fan clubs, just log in and click on the link next to any author. Thanks.
If marriage and family are assumedly 'natural' conventions, I wonder why it is that so many of us feel scarred by the experience? 'Terrors of Childhood' implies that parenting is dysfunctional, and is the causitive factor of much of our adult neurosis, but why? Is there an ideal that a 'family' is measured against? And is this ideal unattainable? Is it the fault of our society, or our politics, or our generations?
the above comment was from me! didn't realise that i hadn't checked the 'comment by' box. i'm still new to this.Jennifer, Great question. There is no normative way of measuring a functional family. However, when one's is dysfunctional, we generally recognize it by the behaviors of our parents. They are not affirming, nurturing and lack appropriate parenting skills. They may be emotionally and physically abusive, manipulative and mean-spirited. We are scared because we are afraid of getting close to others. This mistrust is a remnant from childhood. Most of this is learned behavior and can be changed with hard work. Thanks.
p.s. i have published articles too now.
James, what the hey... You have more fans than you know what to do with and you leave us all hanging for two months? What, you have nothing to say? No insight from that beautiful mind of yours? Look, when you become popular like you have become, you take on a responsibility to keep giving to those that have made a committment to you to keep reading. Uhh, we have had nothing to read for quite a while now. Snap out of it and talk to us James. We're waiting..... I shouldn't even give you five stars after what you have done but I'm extending the olive branch here...show us some love.Myla, Hey, I'm just fascinated reading YOUR stuff. I have opted not to write for Searchwarp anymore. I have been writing for other sources that are more compatible with my worldwiew. How's that for heavy? Anyway, I love reading your stuff and I promise I will go to your own site to make comments. Your website is a riot! I love it. If you want to find any of my current writings, you can Google my name and there I will be. I also can be reached through my email. Keep in touch, kiddo.
Hi James - Sorry you're not writing for SW now. I enjoyed this article and thank God again for a loving home that raised me. No family is perfect - we all say that - but some of us have no idea what we missed of negative influences. We never know what someone who irritated us in public may be dealing with. Most of all I am grateful to my parents for two things: they lived their Christian faith at home without family Bible reading or prayer. I wish we had had that, but would I have gotten the real "sermon" - their lives every day...and they went through some tough times in the radio/broadcast business. They knew how to laugh without ridiculing anyone...at one of the worst times my mom created a song based on a nursery rhyme, fitting it to my dad's business nemesis. It was not cruel, and was very funny. I could still sing it today!
Hope you're getting the laughs you need, for we all need them! Enjoyed your articles a lot.
More comments
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.