Money Isn't Everything
Posted: Friday, March 14, 2008
by James P Krehbiel
Krehbiel Counseling
One of the major problems that married couples face is financial conflict. Many partners believe that if the issue of finances can be resolved, then their relationship will be restored. However, financial conflict in marriage is symptomatic of various underlying problems that warrant exploration.
Years ago, I recall a married couple who sought my assistance over their inability to navigate financial roadblocks. The wife was being accused by her husband of being an over-spender. The husband had a pattern of scrutinizing his wife's shopping habits, and she felt a need to justify every penny she spent.
THE POWER OF PARADOX
Since the counseling process was at an impasse, I decided to use a paradoxical counseling strategy designed to "call the husband's bluff." I asked him to appear at our next session with six months of credit card statements. "Let's take a look at what's going on here," I replied. "Maybe I can shed some light on your dilemma."
At the next meeting, the husband came prepared with a briefcase full of monthly credit card statements. He pulled one report out and indignantly handed it to his wife. I asked her to explain certain charges. As I expected, she was able to account for every charge and her recollection was amazing. I recall saying, "How do you remember all of the details of these expenses?" "That's easy," she responded. "I've developed a masterful pattern of justification in response to my husband's badgering." As we proceeded through statement after statement, it became clear that this woman's spending was reasonable, was selfless, was for the benefit of her family, and was by no means lavish. During our session, her husband's anger escalated progressively as his wife methodically recalled detail after detail of their family expenses.
WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON?
What occurred with this couple is not unusual. I often see this scenario of financial feuding played out within the context of counseling. The relevant question is, "What are the real underlying issues which perpetuate this self-defeating pattern of relating?" Here are some clues:
1. Parenting. One partner acts like the parent, using power and control to keep one's mate "under wraps." The spouse either rebels or justifies the behavior like a child would do.
2. Projection. One partner is an excessive spender and yet manipulates the situation by blaming the spouse for similar behavior.
3. Mistrust. One partner has a deep sense of mistrust for their mate and focuses on supposed financial indiscretions as an excuse for maintaining the mistrust.
4. Respect. One partner doesn't like or value their partner and manipulates through the use of money. An example of this occurs when a partner hides financial assets from a spouse.
5. Denial. One partner chooses to ignore financial loss or hardship, blaming their mate for the problem and holding them responsible for "balancing the books."
Often, one or both parties who fight over money use anger and rage as a vehicle for punishing their spouse. For some married couples, it appears safer to feud over finances than to address core underlying issues affecting the marriage. For couples who choose to experience healing, underlying issues of power and control, the need to parent a partner, addressing issues of trust and respect, and avoiding denial must be honestly confronted. Only then will the feuding end and marital bliss begin.
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More commentsHi James, well said. And I agree with Mr. Keith-well summed up. Respect and honesty is a starting point to healing and leads to a happy and healthy marriage. Again, good job. TeresaTeresa, Thank you very much for your kind comments. Be well.
Good article James, I would guess money is the most widely used disguise for more serious underlining problems. You know I have to wonder, with all the many couples you've dealt with, you ever just get to the point were there are two people that you tell. "You know Mr. & Mrs. So and So, you two really need to get a divorce, like today!" I've known quite a few couples that shouldn't be together cause they never took the time to see if they even liked each other. Anyways, I'm sure you've seen some surprised looks once you allow them to see their true problems. MichaelMichael, Thanks for reading my article and your comment. It's funny you asked the question about divorce. Yes, in so many words I have let couples know that I thought the prognosis for success of their marriage was zero. Saturday, I had a couple and I said, "You know, I don't think you guys even like each other one bit." Therapy can illuminate issues, but couples need to WANT to work on the marriage. At the onset of couples counseling I ask, "Are you here to work on the relationship or to find a way to get out? Thanks. Be well.
Hi James, I loved the article. My husband and I were married young and fortunately for us we were both on the same "Page" about finances, credit card debt etc.... so with that not an issue we were able to talk through differences without masking them. It pains me to say over the 30 years we have been together that wasn't always the case for many family and friends who don't even appear to be in the same "Book" any longer. I loved your article and am becoming a regular fan. My Best to You, KimberlyKimberly, Words can't express how much I appreciate your comments! I always learn so much from the experiences of those who choose to respond to my work. Whether people agree with my perspective or disagree, I value people's opinions and experiences. Thank you.
I don't know about this James. I see it somewhat differently. Though that is not to say that indeed this was the case for the couples you mentioned. I am of the opinion when people marry they need to ideally have some common ground and compatability when it comes to spending money as for me it is the incompatability issue which causes the problems, not some subconcious battle for power. Though that may a play a part for some. Some people in general are more free with money and with themselves, their time, their opinions etc. In other words it's part of their nature and perhaps they do not worry so much about debt etc. Upbringing can affect attitudes to money considerably. Others who had less money/things growing up perhaps in poverty may be more frugal and dislike what seems to be unreasonable expense even if the other person can justify that expense. One persons justified spend is not neccessarily the same as someone elses. Hence the incompatability issue. People really need to be on the same page with this one before they get married.Creative Blogger, Thank you for commenting. I welcome and value differing perspectives on this issue. That is how I learn. Be well.
A lot of truth within your article, James. Personally, my husband and I have been challenged financially with the recent loss of his business on top of excessive medical bills and are forced to start anew in our 50s. I really thank God that our relationship is strong enough to sustain this financial strain, because I've seen relationships fizzle with things as petty as leaving a bathroom towel on the floorl. (which, by the way, DOES annoy me with my hubby...) Thanks for an insightful article!Judi, Thank you very much for your kind comments. I am very sorry to hear about the financial loss in your family. I know you must be under alot of pressure, particularly over the issue of your daughter's health and the transition of moving. I will pray for your family and particularly for that young lady of yours! God Bless.
hi james, i will be going through a divorce trial, instead of mediating, because of the almighty dollar-some don't want to get rid of any of it, even if it is to a woman who took care of their home and children for over twenty years! i have a healthy respect for the dollar after this past year of not seeing many, but, what a way to learn. thanks for a good artcle, my best, sueSusan, Your process of divorce has dragged on too long. I hope that this chapter comes to a close very soon. Thank you so much for commenting. Take care.
Jimmy, Well said. And money rears its ugly head again--one of the main reasons I suggest that we all take not only finance courses in high school and elsewhere but courses in relationships. Kind of like "heads up" or "what's in store" courses in all relationships that go beyond the mere physical. For the sad truth is that marriage and all its responsibilities and challanges are oftentimes just "winged" when they should be know and studied out before hand to a great degree. Hell, we even require people to take a test to drive a car but we just hand people a marriage license. Do you see anything wrong with this picture? How 'bout some training in an institution if handled incorrectly is at the foundation of many problems in society. Thanks again. Great artice. Keep writing them. JeffJeff, Yes, sorta like not teaching economics until 12th grade? People should be be exposed to a curriculum about marriage and family throughout school and prior to marriage should be required to attend marriage encounters and receive pre-marital therapy. I know I could have used it. Thanks for your comments. I appreciate them.
Thank you for a great article, James. I'm ashamed to say I could have been the husband mentioned. My eyes were really opened one day when I wrote down all my expenditures! Thanks again.Ken, LOL. Thanks for your comment and I am glad you are balancing the budget, something this administration has forgotten about.
Great article. I love your title because frankly that is the key understanding in this age of materialism that couples should keep in mind when thinking about marraige. What happens if the well runs dry? Interesting RTMRobert, Thank you for commenting. Well, the well does run dry at times. I see patients who are on top of the financial world one day, and are experiencing the pain of job loss the next. Couples need to be strong enough to survive the downturn in the economy and hold onto each other. Be well and thanks again.
James, great article. I had never thought about feuding over money as being a just a smoke-screen for other problems in a marriage. My husband and I fuss over money, but we fuss over other things as well. I must say, though, we are two of the luckier couples whose fussing is all minor and is just an age factor in our case. We love each other and are comfortable with who we are and what we do in our relationship. We may fuss, but we never fight and we follow the old rule, 'never go to bed angry'. Great article.Sandra, Thanks so much for your comments. I am very glad to hear about couples who have made their marriages work like you and your husband. I am sure you could write an article about the wisdom and secrets to a happy marriage. Happy Easter!
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