Leaving Behind the Magical Illusions of Childhood
Posted: Sunday, December 09, 2007
by James P Krehbiel
Krehbiel Counseling
As children, we believe that we have the magical powers to change all that is wrong with our world. We need to believe that we can control our destiny in order to emotionally survive. For example, we may have been raised by parents who were emotionally unavailable. They lacked the capacity to be nurturing, supportive and affirming. As a way of coping, we "performed to please," trying every means in our arsenal to make our parents feel happy while striving to get our own needs met. When our efforts failed in getting our needs satisfied, we turned our feelings inward and mistakenly arrived at the interpretation that somehow we were the ones who were defective, not our parents. By turning our frustration within, we unknowingly minimized the pain that resulted from dealing with them.
Young children count on the soothing of comfort and safety. They move toward that which promotes security. Kids may mimic behavioral patterns established by their parents. The lack of safety and a stable support system can make kids feel insecure in the midst of a chaotic world. As they reach adulthood, they continue to search for the validation, nurturing and comfort which was lacking from their childhood experience.
Inevitably, if we are to develop and change as adults, we need to start making conscious what we have hidden in order to transcend our childhood pain. We must begin to confront the challenges, paradoxes, problems and difficult realities that are part of adult experience. We move into uncharted waters that present us with risks and uncomfortable feelings. No one has prepared us for this "wilderness experience." This is the "groan zone,"a place where we struggle to learn and apply new skills for living. It is our journey to flush out and grieve what didn't work from our childhood and to establish more independent ways of behaving.
No one likes to feel the angst that accompanies change and growth, but the option is to remain stagnant, holding onto archaic childhood assumptions which block us from the freedom to establish a more meaningful lifestyle. Worn-out childhood interpretations foster avoidance and impede everything that opens us up to a new level of consciousness. In order to leave our childhood behind, we must first come to terms with the twin killers of personal progress - laziness and fear. Everyone must go it alone. We must wade into the waters of change in spite of the prospects of terror. No one is immune from the vulnerabilities associated with fear and inertia. As psychotherapist Sheldon B. Kopp once said, we all need to learn to be a "do-it-on-your-own-cause-there's-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you-grown up."
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Top-level comments on this article: (6 total)If I had my choice, I would have remained a child all my life. One of the greatest injustices of life is the fact that we do not have that choice. While all the other kids were wanting to grow up so fast, I was wanting to hold on to childhood as long as possible. I even held out as long as I could (age 22) before learning to drive because I knew it would be the beginning of adult responsibility. I knew adulthood was going to be a bum deal and -- guess what -- I was right. Even though I still resent the fact that that I had to grow up, I eventually accepted reality and am trying to make the best of things. The reason most kids are happy and most adults aren't is because of the simplicity of childhood. Children have no real worries or responsibility. Simplicity and lack of responsibility are the keys to happiness. Therefore, I try to live my life as simply as possible without taking on any more complication or resposibility than absolutely necessary.Terry, Obviously, I don't know about your history. But children who were not empowered by their parents to learn the skills of indepedence are more likely to feel the way you do. I can remember my transition to adulthood and how difficult it was for me. I felt thrust into a totally new world. Thanks for your response. Take care.
James, you must have been "reading my mind" because I have been playing with an article entitled, "copy-cat kids" but you've stated this subject matter much more eloquently than I could ever, so I trashed it. Well, done and so very, very impotant. My heart aches tremendously when I see kids having kids; especially kids who come from troubled homes because the family "boogers" will only continue instead of heal. Bravo, Mr. K!Thanks Judi, Many of us enter adulthood with the battle scars to prove that life was difficult as kids. My hope is that people recognized the need to process their past, grieve it, let it go and move on. Take care.
hi james, been there, done that, know it well. thank you for explaining it for me and helping me understand it even better. we must pass tests to graduate grammar school, tests to graduate high school, tests to get our driver's license, tests if we want to get a hunting permit, but no tests to see if we are ready to raise a child. maybe there should be? best regards, sueSusan, Thanks for responding. Actually, the article's focus is more on OUR childhood and it impact on how we cope during adulthood. I keep finding layers in my own life. Take care and happy holidays.
Well James, I reached adulthood at 23 years old when I discovered the true facts of life. This was back in late 1971 do you remember those days? You probably grew up then as well. Many people our age reached adulthood back then.David, I sure do remember those days! Thanks for reading my work. Take care.
Very insightful article :)Samantha, Thank you very much for your response!
James, I agree with Samantha Chang. I agree with Judi. You stated so eloquently what I wish I could have told a friend. It would have saved a marriage if he understood what you've said and moved forward. Sadly, he has not left "Behind the Magical Illusions of Childhood." What his parents did for him actually saved his life but he looks at it as abandonment. He's never forgiven them although one has passed on. It's sad, really. Thank you for your beautiful delivery of a highly painful and sensitive subject. Be well. :)Avis, Thank you for your response. I am certainly sorry about your friend. It's imperative that we process our childhood experience if it was negative by recognizing the pain, grieving it, letting it go, and genuinely forgiving our parents who didn't have it to give. Merry Christmas!
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