Do You Feel Guilty For Feeling Guilty?
Posted: Sunday, December 02, 2007
by James P Krehbiel
Krehbiel Counseling
The experience of guilt is an enormous burden. People actually feel guilty for feeling guilty. Often, those in the religious community are prone to complain about guilt. They perceive God as the "cop in the sky" who is looking to apply retribution.
Adults who were the products of poor parenting are more susceptible to real guilt and viewing God is a tyrannical figure. Unfortunately, people may doubt their salvation, feel like God has abandoned them and immerse themselves in obsessing over minor infractions.
Real guilt can be defined as missing the mark. We fall short of our convictions and need to make amends. We do this by accepting the forgiveness that is already our inheritance, forgiving ourselves for being less than perfect and reconciling with those we have hurt and disappointed. An interesting example of real guilt is when we fail to live up to our capacity. We may have been sitting on a goal or dream and put it off because we are too lazy or afraid to act on it. Addressing our true guilt makes us feel complete. We restore our integrity and bring healing to our significant relationships.
Those who have experienced negative parenting may find the concept of forgiveness perplexing. If one's parents were punitive, critical and unloving, it makes it more difficult for people to grasp the concept of a loving, forgiving God. Intellectually, they may understand forgiveness, but emotionally they may remain immobilized with self-blame. God does not want His children to victim-posture. We can't be ambassadors of the Good News if we are stuck in a sinkhole. Accepting forgiveness is our right and responsibility. Some may need help in processing this truth - God is patient.
It is important to differentiate real guilt from false guilt. Much of the guilt we experience is false. It has nothing to do with falling short of our convictions. I define false guilt as allowing other people to have power over us. Due to inadequate parenting, many of us learn to give our power away. As children, we become overly-compliant, passive-aggressive and we learn that it is in our best interest to thwart our anger. If we were raised in dysfunctional families, there was generally no dialogue or exploration of feelings at home. It is important to understand that what happened was never our fault.
When people tell me that they feel guilty, the problem usually involves false guilt over core childhood issues such as feelings of abandonment, acting overly-responsible, childhood abuse, and lack of confidence. False guilt is actually a form of disguised resentment. If others over-control our lives, we resent the intrusion, but find false guilt easier to accept than anger.
Roberta complained about her daughter. Whenever she would visit her, Roberta would feel demeaned and manipulated. I suggested that Roberta set limits and cut back on her lengthy out-of-town visitations with her daughter. However, her daughter pleaded with Roberta to stay longer, and the false guilt emerged. Roberta decided to stay for the typical two-week visit and she felt miserable. In typical fashion, her daughter merely used her as a babysitter for her kids. Roberta was really angry, but it was masked as false guilt. As a child, she was never allowed to express her anger appropriately. Roberta had no foundation for setting boundaries and sticking up for herself. She acquiesced to the needs of others and felt small.
Unresolved issues can affect our concept of God. If we fail to find balance in our life by resolving core childhood issues, they may rear their ugly head and affect our spiritual well-being. I believe that God wants us to be integrated. That means we don't pretend by ignoring the dusty corners of our inner life. As M. Scott Peck, author of The Road Less Traveled once said, "I'm not okay, you're not okay, but it's okay!" We must learn to live authentically as imperfect human beings.
Real or false guilt can immobilize us. As a child of God, there is no need to be saddled with guilt. Guilt keeps us mired in a cycle of self-defeating thinking and behavior. To my knowledge, no one has ever changed by motivating themselves through guilt. With true guilt, learning to forgive ourselves, making amends and accepting God's grace brings healing that helps us move forward. False guilt, which comprises the majority of guilt, must prompt us to learn to become assertive, set appropriate boundaries, and find empowerment through the kind of righteous anger that is self-supportive. Do you remember how Jesus chased the money changers out of the temple? When your integrity is at stake, that's the kind of anger you need. Do you feel guilty about feeling guilty? The Good News is that God wants to elevate you out of your guilt-induced self-defeating cycle of self-blame and help you to become whole.
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Top-level comments on this article: (9 total)hi james, powerful, and hit the nail on the head with me. my journey has been long, and a twelve step program helped with the amends, and pushed me into right action, and right living, and no guilt or shame, but there are so many who don't have that luxury. hopefully, many will read your article and start to improve their way of living through ridding themselves of guilt and shame. thank you for your article, best regards, sueSusan, Thank you for responding. Often, people forget about the "amends" part of forgiveness. That's part of "walking the talk."
James, Once again your writing is pragmatic, practical and fearlessly honest. I don't know what to make of it. Oh, hell, I guess I'll just continue to read your works.Thanks for sharing Mike FakMike, Coming from a writer with such quality work, I consider that quite a compliment. Thank you.
Hi James! Although I was the the youngest, the only girl and spoiled, "guilt" was my middle name -- I always felt "guilty" about everything because I wanted everyone to be happy all of the time and felt responsible if they weren't. Things changed when I hit 40 and I've learned to rid myself of the chronic guilt trip which was such a relief! Thanks for a very good article; I think many are plagued by this guilt thing....Hi Jud! Thanks for writing. I was a pleaser also, and it wasn't until my late 30's that I determined to get a handle on my guilt. Take care
"I define false guilt as allowing other people to have power over us." I agree with each commentator about your writing, especially this article. It's brilliant! I will share it with many who could get a breakthrough if they would only allow themselves to be set free. Thank you, James.Avis, Thank you very much for your kind comment. Be well.
James, I don't want to sound critical however I don't believe in mixing psychology with God's work. I tried to at one time but my Lord was in control of my life. There are no psychology books in heaven.David, I believe that the psychological and spiritual dimension work harmoniously. Guilt is a spiritual issue. Ask any religious person. Thanks for responding.
Yes, I feel guilty about the bad things I do. However, I never feel guilty about any good fortunate I receive. I've had so many bad things happen to me that I feel like I deserve every good thing I get. For example, I can't understood those who feel guilty about surviving accidents that others did not survive. I would just feel like I deserved to survive and then move on with my life.Thanks for responding Terry. I agree. When positive things happen we want to savor those memories. Everyone grieves their problems in a different way, however.
Hi James, great article. It's true that our view of God can be swayed by lack of good parenting. I am so thankful thatGod, in His grace, designed us to have "real" guilt. He gave us a conscience and wrote His laws on our hearts so that we would know the difference between right and wrong. I didn't have a father at home growing up, still the guilt I felt for the choices I made, led me straight to the arms of the heavenly Father. His forgiveness is unconditional and never runs out. You said "accepting forgiveness is our right and responsiblity" I would humbly argue that the Bible says it is our previlege, through receiving Christ as Savior. And in doing so, He brings freedom from guilt. Thank you for pointing out the difference between real guilt and false guilt. False guilt is what the devil would throw at us. I hope everyone would respond to the "real" guilt they feel and run into the arms of God - you are right in saying God is love and He cherishes those who come to Him. I appreciate the reminder. TeresaTeresa, Thank you for your comment.
WOW, I could be your poster child for false guilt. My therapist has pointed out many, many times that I take the blame for anything that goes wrong, and none of the credit when something goes right. I always have a "but" statement to follow any positive situations that I may have played a role in. So I feel guilty because I couldn't create a positive outcome. I feel personally responsible for everything. My question to my therapist is always that even knowing you have this issue, where it came from, how do you stop it? Your article definitely gives the mind something to chew on. A cover for anger never crossed my mind. In my childhood I took care of my brothers very young and I was the "goody two shoes." I have wondered to myself if perhaps, being a young mother of three, I am now feeling resentful at never having had those free living, rebellious teenage years. I cannot figure out how a person could work through issues such as those. I think it is time for another visit to the counselor.
Thanks Cathy, False guilt happens when we allow others to have a sense of power over us. Then we feel resentful I always tell my patients that their are two kinds of people in ther world. There are neurotics like you and me (who take too much responsiblilty for mistakes) then there are those who are characterologicaly disordered. These folks choose to blame others for all their problems.
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