Why Grown Men Don't Eat Quiche or Go To Counseling
Posted: Tuesday, July 31, 2007
by James P Krehbiel
Krehbiel Counseling
It has been my experience that many men have an underlying set of beliefs that run counter to the notion of pursuing personal counseling. What is it that makes many adult males experience an adverse reaction to the concept of counseling? What holds men back from a process that has the potential to provide support, nurturing and emotional healing?
The “warrior complex" carries over to the way we view men in relation to military service. Men are culturally conditioned to be fighters. They learn at an early age that commitment and self-sacrifice in defending the well-being of one’s community is a noble endeavor. A man’s psychic energy is directed toward the need to protect others from harm – the fight and flight response works on automatic pilot.
As men have been raised in our military/industrial milieu, they have learned basic assumptions about life that promote bravery, strength and courage as all important attributes. There is no room for vulnerability – it is viewed as a sign of weakness and cowardliness not courage.
What are some of the assumptions that men absorb that shape their worldview?
- Fighting is the best way to handle conflict.
- Anger and rage are the only emotions that are acceptable.
- Expressing fear, hurt or sadness is a sign of emotional weakness.
- Fixing problems is a primary role for men.
- Life is always linear, easy to understand and logical.
- Deep feelings are not to be trusted.
- Decision-making must always be a rational process, never based on trusting one’s instincts.
- Denial, avoidance and deflecting are the best coping mechanisms.
- Caretaking for others is more important than taking care of oneself.
- By helping them to reframe their thinking. Getting help is a sign of strength and courage.
- Reminding them of celebrities such as Terry Bradshaw who have shared their stories of emotional pain and treatment.
- Going to counseling with a partner as a means of introducing them to the counseling process.
- Suggesting that men consider attending a men’s retreat to develop a sense of male bonding.
- Suggesting a male counselor who has experience in dealing with reluctant clients.
Eventually, the “toothpaste must come out of the tube." The dark-side of each of us will be evident for all to see. Behaviors may deteriorate and emotional symptoms may accumulate. It is inevitable; the darkness will manifest itself in some way.
Men are typically not good at accepting the vulnerability which comes over time. But the psychic pain associated with trying to stay in control may overshadow the “self." It is at this point that a man must ask, “Do I stay in an impasse filled with conflict and pain or do I seek the support and assistance of others who may have the wisdom to see me through the wilderness?" When the pain is too great and we are feeling most vulnerable, it is time for men to reframe their thinking and move in a direction that goes against the tide of their cultural heritage. It is time to give oneself permission to be vulnerable. Helping a man to see this truth may take a significant degree of encouragement from others.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale , Arizona . See his interview with Coach Lee on www.365daysofcoaching.com .regarding the topic of “courage and fear work together." James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com .
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More commentsRobert, You make some valid points. You never know how a boss is going to react to spilling your guts. I tell people to be selective in their disclosure about personal problems because many do not understand or want to understand. Thanks for reading my article.
Counseling is still a bit of a modern day phenomenon, perhaps that's the reason? Maybe men share the worries and woes the way they did before the onset of counselling...with their family and friends? I know many people who have lived through all manner of things (myself included) but I only know of two people who have had counselling. I live in the UK - I think this is relevant as in the USA therapy is fairly popular. The guys I know dislike opening up to strangers, whereas that as we know can make opening up all the more easy. Perhaps it is more important for them to maintain a facade to strangers than to family and friends?
I forgot to add, I am female and I also would not like to go to counselling. It is not something that ever appealed to me. I do 'release' though, but via those I know. I don't like the idea of a stranger making notes about me and keeping them on 'file'. I'd rather discuss the intimate details of my life with people I know. I don't think counselling is for everyone. If I felt I needed more help than friends could provide then perhaps I'd give it a go.
Dear Creative Blogger, Thanks for writing. I agree with you. It doesn't matter whether it's a friend, a family member or partner, many people find that process sufficient for disclosing personal problems. Those who do not have that support system, or chose not to respond to it, may be in need of counseling. I believe that counseling may be necessary when problems affect one's ability to function in a healthy manner. I find that men tend to look at seeking counseling as a sign of weakness rather than strength. Thanks for your insights.
hi james. good article, and one i've found to be true. i had a father, and have two brothers, a partner, two sons, and 9 nephews. i think i better save this article. best regards, sue thomSusan, Thanks for your comments. I wish the best for your family.
James, excellent points throughout this article. As I've told you before, I was raised with brothers and have been around men most of my life and actually feel sorry for the 'pressures' that go along with being a man. A man is a human being with feelings and depth and being human is by no means 'unmanly'. Well, Mr. Krehbiel, another great one, thanks!Judi, Have your ever heard of Sam Keen who wrote "Fire in the Belly." It was directed to men and the struggles they face throughout life. I saw him speak years ago in San Antonio and a large group of women got up and walked out when he talked about how military life had affected many men and that women should serve and see what it's like.
No, haven't heard of him but will look him up. Why on earth would the women walk out when he began discussing military life? I knew many guys, including my brothers, who changed drastically after boot camp with the Marines. Could I have done it? Honestly, James, I doubt it. I, myself, have lived a pretty sheltered life and often wonder how far my own courage would go if I really needed to test it.
Hi Judi and James, re the Sam Keen point, don't women serve in the military too now and train and serve the same time as men?Yes, they both do. When I saw Sam I was a younger man. LOL At that time, woman only had non-combat roles. Thanks for writing.Yes, But at the time he spoke, women were not yet serving in direct combat. Thanks for sharing.
Wow I feel as though ive been through a session. James you have hit the nail on the head with this and apparently me as well. You have hit on something here and although I have tears right now......they are tears of having someone understand the deeply rooted challenge for some of us. Thank You for writing this article it has helped me.Thank you for your kind comments. Sorry our session was so difficult. LOL
Hi James, Great article! I'm going to recommend my male clients read it. In my therapy work with men, I sometimes feel like I'm treading water. I have to appreciate and celebrate the warrior in them while introducing the notion that their identities can include so much more. If I move too fast though, they can feel confused or threatened. I found your article very validating in regards to the male dilemma. Thanks - RichRich, Thank you. I hope that you and your clients find this article helpful. Yes, sometime dealing with men clients can feel like pulling teeth. Be well.
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