Financial Feuding and Relationship Wreckage
Posted: Wednesday, July 25, 2007
by James P Krehbiel
Krehbiel Counseling
One of the major problems that married couples face is financial conflict. Many partners believe that if the issue of finances can be resolved, then their relationship will be restored. However, financial conflict in marriage is symptomatic of various underlying problems that warrant exploration.
Years ago, I recall a married couple who sought my assistance over their inability to navigate financial roadblocks. The wife was being accused by her husband of being an over-spender. The husband had a pattern of scrutinizing his wife’s shopping habits, and she felt a need to justify every penny she spent.
Since the counseling process was at an impasse, I decided to use a paradoxical counseling strategy designed to “call the husband’s bluff." I asked him to appear at our next session with six months of credit card statements. “Let’s take a look at what’s going on here, I replied. Maybe I can shed some light on your dilemma."
At the next meeting, the husband came prepared with a briefcase full of monthly credit card statements. He pulled one report out and indignantly handed it to his wife. I asked her to explain certain charges. As I expected, she was able to account for every charge and her recollection was amazing. I recall saying, “How do you remember all of the details of these expenses?" “That’s easy, she responded. I’ve developed a masterful pattern of justification in response to my husband’s badgering." As we proceeded through statement after statement, it became clear that this woman’s spending was reasonable, was selfless, was for the benefit of her family, and was by no means lavish. During our session, her husband’s anger escalated progressively as his wife methodically recalled detail after detail of their family expenses.
What occurred with this couple is not unusual. I often see this scenario of financial feuding played out within the context of counseling. The relevant question is, “What are the real underlying issues which perpetuate this dysfunctional pattern of relating?" Here are some clues:
- Parenting. One partner acts like the parent, using power and control to keep one’s mate “under wraps." The spouse either rebels or justifies his/her behavior like a child would do.
- Projection. One partner may be an excessive spender and yet manipulate the situation by blaming the spouse for similar behavior.
- Mistrust. One partner has a deep sense of mistrust for their partner in general and focuses on supposed “financial indiscretions" as an excuse for maintaining the mistrust.
- Respect. One partner may not like or value their partner and manipulate through the use of money. An example of this occurs when one partner hides financial assets from their spouse.
- Denial. One partner may choose to ignore financial loss or hardship, blaming their partner for the problem and holding them responsible for “balancing the books."
One or both partners who fight over money often use anger and rage as a vehicle for punishing their spouse. For some married couples, it appears safer to feud over finances than to address core underlying issues affecting the marriage. For couples who choose to experience healing, underlying issues of power and control, the need to parent, addressing issues of trust and respect, and avoiding denial must be honestly confronted. Only then will the feuding end and marital harmony begin.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale , Arizona . See his 20 minute interview with Coach Lee about how fear and courage work together at www.365daysofcoaching.com . James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com .
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Top-level comments on this article: (6 total)James, a very informative article. I was aware that there is usually an underlying problem and not the one causing the feud. What I wasn't aware of were all the clues to the underlying issues that perpetuated patterns of relating to another in a dysfunctional manner. Your 'study' was a perfect example. Wow, you really helped the wife. I'm curious to know if you were able to get to the underlying issue(s) with this couple. I feel you left me at the edge of the cliff! *grinning*Avis, Sorry for the delay. No I was not able to help them. The husband's character issue were too entrenched and he was unwilling to take any responsbility for the problem.
James, I wouldn't want your job. how do you manage to cope with all these nuts?
David, Thanks for reading my article. Hey, it's not easy with some of these cases. Many nights I come home in a fog. LOL
hi james, i liked this article, and it is correct, as far as my married life went, and is going now, through divorce. money is the root of all evil? i'd attest to that. thank you for your article, best regards, susan thomSusan, In my opinion, money is merely one of many issues that people use as a barrier to developing intimacy. People have a need to dance around something and why not money?
Interesting article. So many dynamics at play in a relationship, it's really hard to identify root causes and solutions. Was there an age difference? Did both parties work and contribute? Did they discuss how to spend money before it was spent, prioritizing needs as opposed to wants? Did they think about getting separate accounts?You ask some very interesting questions. Many of them were addressed during the counseling process. Thank you for reading and reflecting on my article.
Kay, Thank you for your kind words about my writing. Take care.
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