Life Through the Eyes of the Abuser
Posted: Saturday, July 21, 2007
by James P Krehbiel
Krehbiel Counseling
I define an abuser as one who uses the power of words or physical prowess as a means of manipulating and controlling others. Generally, the perpetrator chooses to forego any interventions such as counseling or psychiatric assistance. However, he/she may grudgingly consent to couples counseling when a partner provides an ultimatum. The abuser may be mandated by the court to seek group anger management treatment and will attend reluctantly. The abuser generally has minimal insight into the significance of his problem. Raging and physical intimidation emerge naturally out of a sense of entitlement. The core assumption of those who are perpetrators of violence is, “People must act the way I want them to respond or they will pay the price for their actions." Typically, the abuser’s worldview emerges out of childhood issues involving abusive behavior of a parent.
Often, the victim is confounded by the behavior of the abuser. Those who control, rage and intimidate can at times be kind and gentle. They can put their “best foot forward" and gain the admiration and respect of the significant people in their lives. Their dark side is hidden from most – with the exception of their closest relationships.
The perpetrator’s fluctuation of moods makes the problem confusing. One moment, he may be cordial and communicative, and in a “heart beat" will shift to monumental moodiness filled with venom toward his partner. The unpredictable nature of the abuser makes those around him scramble for cover. One aspect that makes abuse perplexing is that the perpetrator never appears to acknowledge that he has a problem. He can victimize loved ones through the trauma of painful assaults or words and then justify his actions as necessary. This pattern usually creates confusion and self-doubt in the victim. At times, the abuser may repeatedly apologize for his misbehavior and expect others to promptly forgive and forget. The abuser may flare if loved ones don’t promptly respond by acting as if no wrong doing was done.
Perpetrators of violent behavior tend to be “characterological" in nature. This means that they have a need to blame others for their actions rather than take responsibility for being aggressive. Their emotional and behavioral difficulties tend to be more pervasive, in the sense that their pathological behavior goes to the core of their personality. Often, perpetrators of abuse may suffer from psychological disorders. Without therapeutic treatment and psychotropic medication management, abusers tend to chronically re-offend.
Some of the personality characteristics of the abuser are:
- The use of power and control as a means of altering their social environment.
- Being highly manipulative in words and actions.
- A tendency to believe that they are always right.
- Viewing life dichotomously – (black and white thinking).
- Typically having been abused or pampered as children.
- Having minimal insight into how their behavior affects others.
- Believing that they are entitled to life treating them fairly.
- Exhibiting poor impulse control and displaying an aggressive style of communicating.
- Being self-centered, rigid, and lacking the capacity to view things from other people’s perspective.
- Being extremely insecure, feeling incompetent, and showing defensiveness.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale , Arizona . Hear his 20 minute radio interview with Coach Lee on “How courage and risk work together" by going to www.365daysofcoaching.com .
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More commentsJames I’m not sure I follow you are you saying an abuser is one who has been abused himself/herself as a child. If the parent of the abuser was an abuser then is this an inherited trait? if so how can counseling change what is embedded in one’s nature?
David, What I am saying is that many of us are predisposed to certain behavioral characterisitics. Take the person with OCD for example. His parent may be have the behavioral patterns. This does not mean that one cannot learn new patterns and change their behavior. Being predisposed is not an excuse for continuing certain dysfuntional beliefs and behaviors. In other words, most of us are a combination of nature and nurture which can be altered if we want. Make sense? jamespkrehbiel
James, thanks for your explanation, I just went to check out OCD on the Internet and began reading about the symptoms. I bookmarked the site and intend to go and do a little more research on this disorder. thanks again
James, Thank you for an insightful and easy to read article. Another factor in the abusive cycle is the ability to zero in on the type of partner who will be victimisable. This is not to blame the victim for the abuse, however. The abuser is always 100% responsible for their behaviour, regardless of the root causes, and can only change and improve their life when they acknowledge that and take the necessary steps. It's just to say that some people are more readily victimised than others and most abusers seem to have radar that picks them out. Again, thank you for a very good article. Hannah
Hannah, You make a valid point. You may want to see my first article in this series, "Abuse: Through the Eyes of the Abused." It is posted on this site. Thanks for your insight and reading my article.
thank you, best regards, sue thom
The problem with todays western world is that there is now a consenus of 'one type of behaviour' that is acceptable, and everything that falls outside of that range now has a label. These labels 'stick' and can themselves work their own damage as children/adults believe this is 'me' I am 'like this because my label says so..I cannot change'. When in reality the circumstance, diet or environment, parenting is what shaped their behaviour at that time and not their nature. People also respond to those with 'labels' a certain way. When we go back to accepting that people behave differently and have different hormone levels and brain chemistry that effect behvaiour, then we can stop labelling people as being 'NOT normal'. It is afterall normal for men to be more aggressive than women, their testerone dictates this. Men with more testosterone will be more aggressive than those with less as will women. The prison population confirms higher than normal rates of this hormone in both female and male prison populations. With regard to abusers, of course they have their own demons to deal with, which is why they can't see that what they are doing is abuse or how to address it. They are trying to stabilise their internal and external world. Also, your idea of 'normal' may not match theirs. They will only know the 'normality' that surrounded them as children and may struggle to understand what the normality is that the rest of the world are talking about. I am aware of a young girl age 13 who was systematically and repeatedly abused by many members of her family up to the age of about 8. I have not met her. I am told she has been 'written off' by the establishment as her mind is beyond reach. They say she cannot understand anything that we take for granted re relationships. I assume her mind had to take her in a direction that allowed her to survive her abuse and now they predict she will herself become a dangerous abuser. They refer to her as a predator. How incredibly sad. What life does she have ahead of her? Will she be incarcerated or will she be left until she harms someone? This child needs help but it's likely she'll always spend her life in torment and in institutions unless someone can come up with some very clever 'cure'. Her story makes me so sad.
Mr. Krehbiel, you are dealing with a very tough subject here. A few years ago I investigated one resolve to the matter from Ron Hubbard's technology whereby the past events sponsoring the dispositions were de-programmed from the subconscious. The problem was akin to idea of hypnosis where ideas are placed in the subconscious and the person then does things consciously with no idea (or control) as to why they are doing such. The technology finds these events in the subconscious of the person and then diffuses the energy associated with the event that was compelling them to act without reason. It is very effective treatment. I have personally observed this working in folks.James, James, James. As I suspected, now I know where you are coming from. Thanks for reading my article.
Mr. Krehbiel, don’t be misguided by your suspicions. I am not a subscriber to the philosophy ...though I investigated it as I have done with many others. Contained within this investigation was a closer look at this one technology that had value independent of the general claims. It’s merit was mutually exclusive of the rest.
Mr. Krehbiel, I hate to have to report that one of the people responding to your excellent article, the one who proclaims themself to be so charitable and kind, is actually an abuser, primarily verbally, and doesn't even see the very things you are outlining in your article to be applicable to themselves. The proof that they don't see it in themselves, is in the fact that they wrote to you and told the story of how they helped out in a certain situation. This person actually thinks they "overextend" themselves to help people (often people who don't even ask for, or want it), and feels angry when they are not "rewarded," but feels its is okay to verbally abuse, constantly "correcting, fixing, berating, chastizing, etc." others they are closest to personally, for what's "wrong" with them. Your article describes this person to a "T" and the person doesn't see themselves in it as they read. Remarkable isn't it?Kittle, I am sorry to hear about that. Thank you for writing and I am glad that the article was meaningful.
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