Abuse: Through the Eyes of the Abused
Posted: Thursday, June 14, 2007
by James P Krehbiel
Krehbiel Counseling
Abusers typically dismiss the idea of seeking help as they project their anger and rage onto those closest to them. They see no wrongdoing on their part. They are either unable or unwilling to comprehend the psychological wreckage that they foist on their loved ones.
Generally, it is the abused client that shows up at my office. The abused patient looks like he/she has been held hostage in a war zone. A sense of numbing radiates from this victim during the onset of the counseling process. It is not uncommon for the abused to seek therapy under the illusion of “saving" a relationship. The victim may have chronically been assaulted either verbally and/or physically by a partner and yet may hold out hope of fixing the partnership.
Nevertheless, for some reason, the abused have come for assistance. They may have read all the right books and sought refuge through support groups and shelters. It is not unusual for the abused to bring books on anger management or mood disorders to my office, looking for validation that they are on the right track in their journey toward relationship repair.
It has been my experience that the abused victim has a “poor picker." The picker is the selection criteria that emerges out of the life experience of the victim. Often, the victim has lowered his standards in relationships, believing that it is his lot in life to settle for whatever comes his way.
The abused do not believe that they deserve the best in their most intimate connections. Many have no perspective for what a healthy relationship looks like. They may choose to commiserate with misery because they are used to living in the comfort of discomfort. They may fear leaving a relationship because they anticipate further retaliation; or they may lack the courage to move forward into the unknown. Regardless, they feel stuck and look outside of themselves for some type of validation and resolution.
Assertiveness is not an asset of the abused. Most have never set appropriate limits or boundaries in relationships. On the contrary, the victim tends to acquiesce to the needs of others. Giving away one’s sense of self, they allow their partner to have his way as they justify rage and anger as an appropriate reaction to interpersonal contact. The abused lack the ability to stick up for themselves because on some level they feel that the abusive reaction may be warranted. Over time, the abused develop a belief system in which they are unable to see the “forest from the trees." The victim internalizes the rage and anger of her partner and believes that she must be doing something terribly wrong to deserve such treatment.
The abused want to believe that there is a magic bullet to fix their partnership. They tend to overlook the abusive experiences and dwell on isolated incidents of well-being in the relationship. Minor “victories" may overshadow the trauma of repeated abuse.
The abused tend to get hooked into a cycle of victimization. They may “victim-posture," meaning that they play out the role of the victim to gain sympathy from friends and family. Their codependent neediness may keep them tied to a relationship that is toxic. The abused may feel that they have no options other than holding onto the relationship. They may envision that it is other’s responsibility to alter their relationship rather than assist them in facing their own needs, “blind-spots" and responsibilities.
The following are some of the characteristics associated with those who have been physically and/or emotionally abused. They tend to:
- Desire to fix their partner.
- Have lowered expectations in a relationship. They don’t feel they deserve better.
- Mistrust their instincts. They believe they must have done something wrong to
- warrant the abuse. They internalize the rage and anger.
- Lack assertiveness skills. They allow their partner to control and manipulate.
- Serve as caretaker, focusing attention away from their own needs.
- Minimize the trauma of abuse and dwell on events that make the relationship
- appear normal and healthy.
- “Victim-posture," playing helpless and seeking the sympathy of others.
- Commiserate with misery by staying in a relationship.
James P. Krehbiel is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale , Arizona . His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com . James can be reached through his website at www.krehbielcounseling.com .
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Top-level comments on this article: (8 total)You see James reading this article if I was talking to your patient (an abused victim) you speak of in this article I wouldn’t be looking at the surface (which is only natural) I would relate this couple’s condition with the outside world. You are the medic treating a wounded soldier, I am a soldier fighting the war. “You didn’t respond to my message yesterday, did you understand what I was saying?”David, I don't know what message you are referring to. You had a comment to Judi where you indicated you were contacting me. I have received no emails from you.
That's strange, I sent you a message through your "contact author link." it didn't come back to me I thought you received it O.K. I'll send a brief message again through your link let me know if you receive it
James I replied to the email you sent me last night. Let me know if you received it O.K.
David, I did not receive an email! I'm not sure what is wrong with the system. I gave you my email address in the body of my message. I receive messages through that site all the time. james
James, what a sad article; not how you wrote it, but rather for the need to write it. I married late (38 years old) whereas most of my friends married immediately after high school graduation with many working on their 3rd and 4th marriages for specifically what you wrote on. Thanks for an insightful article, Mr. James!Judi, Thanks for your comment. Unfortunately this is many folks reality. It's not a pretty picture.
James, well-written article. I witnessed abuse as a child. Thankfully, not in our home but close enough to know of what you wrote. The children are adults now and are still suffering from having been raised in that environment. It's a sad reality.Avis, Thank you for your comments. I am very sorry you had to witness that. It is painful for me to hear the stories that I sometimes hear. I hope those adult-children seek help in their efforts to get closure on a horrible experience during childhood.
O.K. James, I just sent it out again through my outlook express with the email address you gave me. If you don't get it this time it's because the address you gave me is incorrect.
James, I took your suggestion and read this article as well. I'm actually working my way through most of your articles. What you say here is very well put and easy to follow. It is certainly complex and deeply entwined phenomena, both sides of the abusive relationship. You have a clear and informative writing style which is very accessible to the novice. Thanks, Hannah
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