Maintaining a Sense of Self While Being a Stay-At-Home Mom
Posted: Sunday, June 10, 2007
by James P Krehbiel
Krehbiel Counseling
Many mothers who are stay-at-home parents lose their sense of self in the process of caretaking for their children. A woman’s natural instinct to “protect her flock" may come into direct conflict with developing a strong self-identity.
Often, mother’s “lose themselves" by giving their power away in relationships, particularly with their children. They may develop a connection with their children, but it may be established in an unhealthy manner. One of my parental slogans is, “Never do for a child what she can do for herself." Mothers may overfunction on behalf on their children, giving away their sense of self while inhibiting their kids’ opportunity to become self directed.
A confident stay-at-home mother needs to be able to distinguish herself from her children. Personal boundaries should not be blurred. A mother must be able to step back and evaluate her behavior. Are my feelings separate from those of my children, or do I get swallowed up in the burden of how they experience life? Are most of my needs tied up in the caretaking process for my children? Do I have separate wants, desires and needs apart from those of my children?
I think an empowered mother must learn what I call “detached identification." Mothers are responsible to their children, not for them. Understanding this distinction determines whether a stay-at-home mother will cultivate a vital sense of self. Often parents are unable to distinguish their thoughts, feelings, and behavior from the pattern of their children. They may worry endlessly about their children instead of demonstrating appropriate concern. Worrying erodes confidence. Appropriate concern empowers a mother to problem-solve new ways of assisting their children in managing problems.
Some mother’s groups advocate what I call “extreme parenting." The parental bonding process does not take into consideration the mother’s well-being and personal identity. There are groups that advocate that the stay-at-home co-sleep with her children on a regular basis as a connecting experience. In my opinion, this practice promotes enmeshment and is unhealthy for the child as well as the mother.
At times, a mother will pursue her children when it would be better to fight that urge. Recently, my daughter visited me along with her toddler. We were walking down the street during a shopping trip and my granddaughter fell down at one point. I reached over to pick her up and my daughter intervened. “Dad, leave her alone. Let her handle this by herself." My daughter was right. Malia was not hurt and was capable of getting up on her own. Step back, fight the urge to pursue and let children handle their journey to learn new skills.
It is imperative that stay-at-home moms create a life apart from their children. Developing a business from home, joining parenting support groups, spending time with adult friends and volunteering a small amount of one’s time are important ways of refocusing one’s energy and validating personal identity. Finding someone to caretake for the children may be difficult, but necessary. Hopefully, a partner is a team player in this regard and provides the mom with time away from her children. This is in the best interest of the adult relationship as well as the adult-child relationship. Mothers may make excuses as to why a baby-sitter doesn’t meet their expectations. Part of maintaining a self-identity for the mother is learning to let go of the children and allowing the children to be “raised by the village." If a stay-at-home mother desires to create a healthy sense of self, she needs to learn to entrust her children to significant others.
Suggestions to assist stay-at-home moms in creating and maintaining a strong self-image are:
- Don’t be an overly-possessive mother. In doing so, you give your power away to your children.
- Listen and respond to your own needs. This is not being selfish but honest and empowering.
- Always trying to please your children will backfire. They will not respect you and you will not respect yourself.
- If your children make mistakes it is not a reflection on you. Remember you are ok as long as you allow children to become self-directed through learning from their own experiences.
- Create a life for yourself apart from your children. Involve family, friends and significant others to support you in your self-rewarding activities.
- Eradicate the words “selfish" and “guilty" from your vocabulary. They are words that diminish your worth and keep you from developing confidence.
- Recognize the harsh reality that your children don’t always need you. It’s amazing what they can do for themselves.
- Let go of the illusion of being the perfect mother. Parenting is an art. Having to be perfect puts an unreasonable burden on you.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale , Arizona . His book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com . He can be reached www.krehbielcounseling.com .
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Top-level comments on this article: (8 total)Hi James, I found your article through the "Volunteer Writing Coaches Needed" link and I see you do not need a coach and are an accomplished writer! My only daughter is 18 months old and since her birth, I have been a stay-home-mom, however I have a business, which helps me focus on other self fulfilling activities and it helps me stay balanced. My spiritual live to me is fundamental in staying centered above all things. I agree with you that one can easily get lost in their children as so many women get lost in their relationships. I too do what your daughter does, in allowing my daughter deal with situations I feel she can handle. This indeed helps her in a healthy development. I enjoyed reading your article, for it validated so many of my convictions and reminded me of others. My mother always wanted to be a doctor and was unable to realize her dreams. All through my adolescence she pressured me to become one, and since I did not, I sense that she feels I am an underachiever... Your comment on setting boundries was a good "healthy" reminder...Thank you. Daughter NatureHi there, Thank you for your response to my article. I am glad that you are doing well in maintaining a strong identity while being at home with your 18 month old child. Remember, that your dreams and convictions are the only one's that count. Keep up the good work!
James, well done article! For us 'stay at home moms' it is extremely important not loosing our identity. Similiar to Daughter Nature (above) I too have my own business which is extremely demanding with constant deadlines but every woman needs an escape 'just for herself' to relight her fuses. I'm glad I'm a fan of yours Mr. Krehbiel, because I do enjoy your articles! Thanks much!Judi, Thank you so much for your kind words. Any women who stays at home and parents a child while maintaining a job is courageous in my book!
Great article! Very informative! I think this is something all stay at home moms struggle with. It is sometimes difficult to remind ourselves to let them learn on their own. This summer my goal is to let my two settle disputes on their own. If i keep stepping in they will never learn how to get along with others. Great advice, James! Keep up the great work!Asher, Thanks for commenting on my article. Staying out of the disputes of children is important. With my two, I always tried to fight the urge to step in and fix it for them. They would come running to me and try to hook me and I would turn around and walk away telling them to handle it. They learned quickly that I would not bail them out.
hi james, loved it. could relate. it's hard for a mother to let go. and the writing flowed so smoothly. thank you,best regards, sue thomSusan, Yes, it's hard to let go. Thank you for reading my stuff.
Enjoyed your article from a stay-at-home dad's point of view. Don't worry, I wont give you a hard time about leaving us fathers out of the picture *smile*. It’s certainly stressful and demanding to run a business and be a stay-at-home parent, my advice if you’re going to do both is be organised and get into routines, you’ll drown without them! Having said that, it can be very rewarding to run a business from home and also helps to keep you connected with the “grown-up” world. I’d also like to point out the flip side; it can be difficult on career parents, who may feel guilt and a sense of loss because they have returned to work on a part-time or full-time basis and miss a lot of those first time occurrences. As the stay-at-home parent you may be able to help by finding ways to include your partner. Make bath time their activity after they get home from work, let them read the story each night, maybe you could invest in a webcam so they can say hello from work, if you want to give them a special gift, see if you can teach your child to say their name (mommy or daddy) first!Ben, Thanks for commenting. Your recommendations are excellent. There are many stay-at-home men who do an excellent job and they should be acknowledged. My daughter is a career mom who just had her second child yesterday (grandpa 4 times). She will stay home for three months and then dad will take over many of the duties at home.
Brilliant, especially from a man who is not a stay-at-home Mom!
Avis, Yea, my daughter had a baby yesterday and she reminded me how little I know about this mothering stuff!
James, congratulations to you and your family!! I'd wager you know more about being a Mom than I! *laughing* I know my dad did. —Avis
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