James P Krehbiel

When Your Kids Grant You Your Dismissal Papers



Posted: Friday, June 01, 2007

by
Krehbiel Counseling

I believe that the primary goal of parenting must be to teach our children a sense of self-direction. We should teach them to gradually rely on their own resources rather than ours. We should want our children to develop into independent adults. Through coaching, nurturing and parental discipline, we should direct our children to be self-confident and self-reliant.

Often, parents cling to their children in order to meet their own needs. Although self-serving at times, some of this parent/child interdependence is healthy. We like to vicariously live through the activities and successes of our children. We cherish the time we spend with our kids, hopefully developing positive relationships. We create family traditions that promote involvement with our children. All of this is good and necessary.

Parental conflict, however, may occur during the teen-age years when our children begin pulling away. As parents, we try to hang on during this transitional period, and a tug for power and control may develop. Even though parents are often aware of the reasons for this conflict, it still may be difficult for them to understand and accept it.

I recall when my son was fifteen, I would attend his baseball games and afterwards father and son would depart for the drugstore to buy some “big league chew" bubble gum. I had my buddy and I cherished every moment of it. When my son turned sixteen and he got his driver’s license, he inherited my car and life seemed to “turn on a dime." My son was now carting his high school friends all around town and I felt like I had been granted my dismissal papers.

Although there was no intent on his part to hurt me, nevertheless I felt the loss. Whatever happened to my noble goal of childhood self-determination? All of a sudden, the idea seemed hollow and I felt a tinge of betrayal.

All parents need to learn that life can smack us with a series of transitional blows – and losing a child to adulthood is one of them. Although our children vanish for a period of time, they eventually return to us as adults. As a parent, when painful transitions occur, we need to cherish the memories, grieve the losses, and dust ourselves off and move on. Although some parenting may continue with our children after they reach adulthood, for the most part it is over.

After processing the grief of losing our parenting prowess, we need to find ways to re-create ourselves and move on. Here are some insights for moving forward after our children pull away:

· Work on enhancing or re-establishing meaningful relationships, especially renewing our connection with our partner.

· Reflect on ways of developing one’s sense of self. Explore new hobbies, find places to travel, and find out who you are apart from you children.

· Keep your family memories alive by discussing your memories with your partner, friends and adult children. Review family pictures, albums, collages, and films with loved ones.

· Establish an adult friendship with your children. They have not abandoned you! Visit them and maintain involvement in mutually satisfying ways.

· Reinforce yourself for being a good parent. You may not like all the choices your children have made, but you did promote a foundation for their independent decision-making. Remember, that was the goal.

Life is full of changes and transitions. Although getting your dismissal papers may be painful and disappointing, it can be healthy and rewarding if you choose to re-invent yourself in response to life’s challenges.

James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale , Arizona . Are you in the bubble or have you stepped out? See www.krehbielcounseling.com .

James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He received his post-graduate counseling training at Northern Illinois University. James has taught Master's level classes in counselor education through Chapman University of California.  He specializes in working with patients who have depressive, anxiety, pain management and autistic spectrum disorders.  James has written numerous articles on a variety of counseling-related topics, all available via Google searches.  His first book, Stepping Out of the Bubble, is available at www.booklocker.com.  James is in the process of having his second work published which is entitled, It Never Was About You:  Saying Goodbye to the Magical Illusions of Childhood.  He can be reached through his new, contemporary website at www.krehbielcounseling.com. 
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)
» left by Anonymous
 4 years 229 days ago.
Your suggestions will help many parents who struggle with this, James. I believe having your input will help those who have yet to experience a child leaving home to become an adult. Your suggestions keep a family together, although everyone won't be under the same roof. An excellent article. Happy weekend!
» left by 4 years 222 days ago.
Thank you for your kind remarks. I hope the article does help many.
» left by JL
from US 4 years 228 days ago.
It is work to maintain a relationship with kids as they grow; to keep them coming back to you, but it is worth it. We have a great relationship with both our adult kids. You are offering great advice. I always enjoy your articles.
» left by 4 years 222 days ago.
JL, I am glad that you have a great relationship with your adult kids. You must have been good parents! Thank for your comments.
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