Did You Marry Your Father?
Posted: Tuesday, March 06, 2007
by James P Krehbiel
Krehbiel Counseling
Does this concept appear incestuous? To the contrary, my message is for those individuals who unintentionally find themselves in a partnership with a mate whose qualities and character traits are similar to their parent. When couples are in conflict, family-of-origin hot buttons must be explored as a means of ferreting out troubling dynamics.
It is not unusual for people to repeat negative patterns which have emerged from childhood. Why is it that people tend to hang on, rather than let go of their negative baggage from childhood? Why is it that a partner will play out the same self-defeating behaviors in a relationship that trapped them as a child? The resolution of these questions is fundamental to one’s personal growth and development.
Individuals may either idealize or minimize the behavior of a dysfunctional parent. They may say, “My father had a bad childhood; he didn’t mean any harm; he did the best he could; I’ve learned to move on." However, you know when people have let go of the past, because they are able to experience the full impact of the dark side of a parent’s behavior. Glossing over the negative side of parental behavior leaves us without resolution and vulnerable to fostering unfinished business in our current partnerships. The pattern of self-defeating intergenerational behavior may have an impact on our selection process. What isn’t resolved from our history may rear its ugly head and make itself known in our present experience. We must see our parents for who they are, with all of their faults and frailties, before we can grieve our losses, forgive our parents for being less than perfect and move forward with maturity in our relationships.
Often, an individual will “marry their parent" in an attempt to fix that which was broken. It is not uncommon for a woman who may have had an absent, self-medicating, and abusive father to gravitate toward men with the same behaviors. During childhood, kids with an absent parent may carry an illusion that they can fix the parent by performing to please. They may try different compliant behaviors in an attempt to win their parent’s support. When their efforts at getting approval fail, they intuitively internalize their anger as self-blame, believing that they must have been unlovable. This interpretation carries into adulthood as the partner tries once again to fix an individual who is a caricature of the father and is unfixable. In order for our intimate relationships to change, we must recognize that we may have a faulty “selector." Our selection process of a mate may be based upon the illusions which crystallized during childhood. Once we understand that the messes of childhood were not created by us, but rather our parents, we can then learn to love ourselves and grieve the fact that we were born into the wrong family.
We can’t fix anybody but ourselves. It is not our responsibility to try to change others. We must grieve our family history, fight the urge to try to change others, and surround ourselves with people who are soothing, nurturing, and affirming. We must believe that we deserve better from our relationships than what we were forced to settle for during childhood and set limits for what we want and need from our partnership. Only then will we have the capacity to choose a mate based upon mutual respect, love and commitment.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale , Arizona . His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.bocklocker.com . James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com .
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Top-level comments on this article: (5 total)Mr. Krehbiel I disagree with your analysis I believe we are born with traits we inherit from our parents. I also believe society and all its flaws are mainly responsible for a vast portion of our abnormal behavior. I believe what needs to be changed is society, for only the sick have no problem adjusting quite well to a sick society. (My opinion)David, then where is our responsiblility for changing what was done to us by nature or nurture?
hi james, there wasn't a word that doesn't apply to me in this story. it's exactly right on, not for my husband, who was the opposite of my dad, (on purpose) but for my soulmate, who i dated from 12-19, and from 42, until now. we live together. he has all the same characteristics my dad had, however, unbelievably, we both share the same desire for peace, and calm, and change, and over the past almost 9 years, have been through Hell to get to a place where we are calmer with each other, and deal with each other in a better way. we keep working on our relationship, but that is through working on ourselves, individually. letting go of the past, and making peace with the present. not an easy thing to do, but we keep plugging along. thanks for sharing your story, sue thom
Both of my parents were heavy drinkers when I was growing up,my childhood was lonley,sad and abusive.I married a man that has a history of getting drunk and ruining a good time,although he doesnt drink daily,he picks special occasions,when he starts drinking he wont stop until the whole night is ruined.I also find that i,m always looking for support,and encouragment from him and I know that I craved this from my parents when I was a child and whats wierd is that I feel like I did when I was a child when he gets angry and lashs out at me.How do I stop myself from looking too resolve my childhood problems with my husband?
Kelly, You must learn to address your childhood issues by grieving them and letting them go. You never learned to set appropriate boundaries as a child and you are still repeating the pattern by hanging on to an abusive relationship. Counseling or Al-Anon groups would be helpful for you. Best wishes, I hope you get this message!
My husband has been through several major depressions over the past 25 years and the current one has lasted over one year now, despite therapy and medication. We are going to start couples counseling because he now tells me his problems are that he married his mother. I am terrified - we have built a wonderful life together and have three great children. We have been through many things but I don't think I can change who I am and his is saying that who I am is part of the problem. I have this gut feeling that this is the beginning of the end of our marriage. I am willing to do the hard work required to keep us together, but if his depression is still so deep after a year, can couples counselling really help?Ann Patricia, If your husband feels he is married to his mother, the issue is HIS not YOURS. He must take responsiblity to address what went wrong in his childhood and grieve it. Then he can approach your relationship with fresh, adaptive interpretations. A quality therapist must get to the core assumptions driving your husband's depression and seek to determine ways that his thinking and emotions are affecting your relationship.
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