Family Relationships As We Lose Our Parents
Posted: Sunday, February 25, 2007
by James P Krehbiel
Krehbiel Counseling
We of the baby-boomer generation are feeling the pressure as we provide care for our elderly parents. It is painful as we helplessly watch our loved one’s experience the impact of failing health. We feel powerless against the ravages of deteriorating health and mourn our losses as our parents begin the descent involving their incapacity to live independently. Children undergo the process of grieving as our parents move closer to the end of their lives. Family dynamics may shift.
The children of an aging parent are forced to deal with a myriad of new decisions and problems. However, legal, financial, and questions related a parent’s possessions tend to be the focal point for conflict among siblings during the process of parental decline. Children, who face these issues with their unresolved baggage, create tension for the entire family system. Hopefully, parents help minimize the impact of sibling conflict by structuring their will and financial matters effectively.
Quibbling over finances or belongings may represent the way in which children play out their unresolved conflicts toward the elderly parent and their interaction with each other. They may feud over jewelry and other personal possessions belonging to the parent, leaving the elderly parent feeling resentful or guilt-ridden. The turmoil may exacerbate the parent’s declining health. Misunderstandings may exist over who gets what and when. Interpersonal conflict emerges when the grieving process serves as a metaphor for unfinished family business. Although most parents dread the prospects, it is not unusual for children to break communication with each other after the death of their parent.
Because feelings are more intense during the declining health of an elderly parent, the children are more prone to become reactive. Reactivity leads to anxiety, and anxiety promotes misunderstanding and defensive communication. Like the advent of premarital counseling, perhaps there should be therapy for children who are trying to navigate the process of caretaking for an elderly parent in deteriorating health.
What are some of the ways that children can cope more effectively while caretaking for an elderly parent and avoid the traps that cause interpersonal damage?
- Make sure that there are legal documents in place, including a will, durable power of attorney, and a trust. They should be updated, particularly if there is any transition from state to state.
- Make sure that your parent specifies, outside of the will, items to be distributed equitably to all family members.
- Children of the elderly need to work on responding, by promoting understanding, rather than reacting with defensiveness and resentment.
- Children should seek professional counseling assistance when they are unable to manage their personal grief and it begins to affect their functioning as well as other family members.
- Learn to keep things in perspective. Money and things are not worth severing relationships and causing hurt feelings within the family. Our legacy and our families should be based on the quality of our relationships.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale , Arizona . His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com . James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com .
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Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)An excellent article. It is amazing that family who may not have been around for years suddenly shows up when they smell money. Mom or dad is going so where is, etc, right on down the list? The I'm entitled to, what happened to and I deserve is the usual line of conversation. Even a will, while certainly needed, does not insure harmony. Yes, their lies the shame and fascade. I must give my mon and dad credit. They always gave while they could and equally. Now that all is gone so are most of the family. It is sad that we live in this day and age that we need help to do what is right. Then again, as I always say, everything is about money and there are few to none who just care about love.Robert, thanks for your comment. In the best of circumstances, it is difficult to keep people from feuding over money!
This is always a sad subject. Recently my husband lost his mom to brain cancer. She gathered the immediate family with the help of hospice and discussed what she wanted each of the children to have, what she wanted to be burried in, she made peace with everyone, even me (the woman who stole her son from her). Now his dad is suffering from Parkinson's and he's slipping fast. We live next door to him, it is very hard to watch a strong man get weaker. It is very hard to explain to my children why papa can't do what he used to. Even my husband has a hard time accepting that Dad just can't do things for himself like he used to. I think once he accepts the disease, he will be accepting the fate of this horrible disease.Leigh, thank you for reading my article. I am so sorry about the losses in your family. God bless you!
Your article has touched me also.I have been slowly wading thru the loss of my elderly father.it has been a year since he died of a slow three month hospital stay after a fire in a nursing home he was in and then transfered to another nursing home and he had just had his second leg amputated....seems it was a long slow decline and my mother's resentment for being the caretaker after 30+ years put a risk on their relationship as well.it has been hard to assist her after his death,her memory has declined and I'm the only sibling of five who lives close by.Four brothers and me the traditonal daughter to hold it together.I'm tired and frustrated and have now developed my own physical issues and weakness.I'm thinking of leaving town to rest from being the only one to take care of everything.I'm grateful to read your thoughtful words which stirred up my own unrest and concerns on this issue.Bless you.
I am going through EXACTLY what you are speaking of in your article. I was living in New Mexico, happy and on the edge of having a real life after a horrible divorce almost a decade ago. My father called and asked me to move to care for them. My brother lived here and was the caretaker at the time my father called me. I didn't hesitate. I called my sister and she was more than happy that I was moving. I moved, Dad died. My brother wanted nothing to do with me since I moved here - he wouldn't even visit Dad in the hospital because I was there. My brother is married and I think he wasn't giving Dad the attention he wanted because he didn't live here. Nonetheless, there has been a war over things since before my father's death - my sister IMMEDIATELY wanted things to be shipped to her and had me send some things up. Her quest for the will was a horrid experience. She has visited one time in 2.5 years and only to reiterate what she wanted plus shipping. My brother doesn't come around at all. This is the most HORRIBLE experience I have ever had in my life..... the house was literally falling down around me and is still in need of repair. I'm doing it all. Mom has a decent income - mine left with my move. I am trying to get back on my feet and I am so stressed out it is horrible. Your article somehow put it all together for me. Thank you. I feel certain I gave "too much information" in this "thank you" - I suppose I just wanted you to know how much you hit the nail on the head!
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